


I've Decided On You

by vintagecassetes



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Guilt, Insecurity, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:08:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22222333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vintagecassetes/pseuds/vintagecassetes
Summary: You have all these choices, I have none.You're all that I have to lose.I've decided on you.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Jeremy Heere/Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Miguel/Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 24





	I've Decided On You

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on a song by Ben Platt called Hurt Me Once :) You're probably gonna hate this but please just stick through to the end, it kinda gets better.
> 
> I know some of this is worded weird and I'll probably make small adjustments here and there but I know if I don't post this now then I probably never will lol.

"I'll be right back, okay?"

Evan nodded. He couldn't help the sinking in his chest when Connor left the room, swiping the 'answer' button as he closed the door. 

Evan was anxious, yes, but not stupid. Sure, he had a tendency to overthink and ruminate and run things over and over until he felt dizzy and couldn't even remember his own name, but, he knew from real experience that another phone call from Jeremy meant another half hour of holding back the sobs racking his body while the muffled sounds of Connor's laughter came from the hallway. The kind he could actually _hear_ the most genuine smile in. The kind he hadn't heard from Connor during their own conversations in a while now. 

Fuck.

Warmth spread to Evan's face rapidly as his breath shuttered, and before he could try stopping it, the tears were slipping out. Hot and raw against his cheeks, they spilled with images of the way Connor looked at Jeremy, the way Connor smiled when they'd all go to the movies together because Evan didn't know how to say no when Connor would ask if it'd be alright if Jeremy tagged along. 

Maybe Evan couldn't hold back the tears, but the least he could do was stay quiet, so he did his best to keep his gasping and sniffling to a minimum so as to not make Connor feel bad.

The truth was, it wasn't like he didn't understand it, because he did. He completely understood that Jeremy wasn't _scared_ like Evan was. Evan knew that he, himself, was probably pretty high maintenance. He knew he had an unhealthy need for validation. He tried his best not to use his relationship with Connor as a means of fulfillment or distraction for that, though.

Jeremy was pretty, too. Evan wasn't much of a jealous person, but he was insecure. He'd be lying if he said that he didn't want to cave in on himself every time he saw Jere's slim, toned figure, or his bright honey eyes, or his beautiful waves and curls that really represented the charming, riptide-like nature of his being, alluring and impossible to get out of. Evan knew all he had was just a little extra pudge around his middle, a face much rounder than he liked, and a side profile that was just _atrocious._ His hair didn't really have much texture, either. It was just blonde. Flat. Boring.

When the relationship had begun, everything was great, of course. Their conversations were full of so much life, so much laughter and _substance._ So much _love_ in the most abstract and surreal way possible. Connor looked at Evan like a six-year old looks at a Christmas present. He held Evan like a pile of sand, gripping tightly so as to not let him sift away. Connor was cherry candy and Hozier songs and days spent wandering around in the woods. Evan had never been so infatuated with the existence of another person, the way Connor tapped his thumbs on the steering wheel, the way he pulled his hoodie around his face when he laughed. Connor was an _experience,_ an _era._

When Evan allowed himself to think about it, he knew it wasn't a coincidence that they'd started dating just three months after Miguel had dumped Connor. Connor was heartbroken and reaching in the dark for whatever he could _find_ , whatever he could _hold_. And that's when he saw Evan, who was lying on the ground, broken underneath an oak tree, wishing someone would just _find_ him, just _hold_ him. Yes, when he _finally_ allowed himself to think about it, he'd acknowledge that he was just a rebound, a plaster cast to hold Connor together until the brokeness had healed. And Connor was better now. 

Evan felt a strong wave of sickness hit his insides. His chest began heaving as his body was racked with nausea and emptiness. He sat up on his bed and grabbed the trashcan just in case. What a pathetic picture.

He wasn't surprised by all of this as much as he was grieving what was dying before his eyes, the way he'd figured it would at some point. From the beginning, Evan knew he'd probably feel infinitely more for Connor than he would ever really feel for him. And it took a long time to happen, but for a while there, Evan had considered that maybe that wasn't true. Then again, he'd never been romantic with anyone before Connor. Maybe he'd mistaked Connor's mild interest as the reciprocal of his own burning infatuation.

Burning. 

Evan was burning up and his clothes were dampening with sweat. The nausea was slowly being replaced with this feverish, inescapable heat.

It was like waking up in the dark after an intense dream, wondering what had been real and what hadn't, what was real and what was an act. Slowly, he was circling back to the conclusion that he was just a set of obligations for Connor to meet. Connor must have been so burned out but just didn't have the heart to break it off with Evan because he didn't know how to tell him that he didn't want this anymore.

He'd been holding Connor back this whole time. 

A strong wave of guilt surged against the flooded dams of his eyes and more and more _hurt_ came streaming down his cheeks as he silently curled up on the bed.

 _"I'm so sorry"_ he thought.

_"Please don't hate me I'm sorry I know that I can't give you what you deserve and I'm not gonna ask you to stay when there's someone who can I'm so sorry that I'm so selfish pleasejustenditnowifyouevercaredaboutmebecauseI'drathergethurtoncethanjustsitandwatchitfallapartlikethisand-"_

"Ev, baby?"

Fuck. 

Evan quickly wiped his face down with his sleeve before rolling over to face Connor who was leaning over the bedside with concern painted on his features. 

"Yeah?" Evan said, trying to sound as least congested as possible. He couldn't suck it all back up now or he'd definitely give himself away. 

"Is- is this okay?" Connor asked, gently crawling onto the bed and laying on his side, face to face with Evan, examining his boyfriend's heartbroken expression when he nodded. "yeah, I mean, of course." 

"You sure?" 

"Promise."

Connor leaned in and gave Evan a small, tender kiss. He knew not to freak out when Evan was upset, not to push him too hard into talking no matter how bad he wanted to know what was up. Answers would come along at some point, but only as long as Evan felt safe, which was Connor's top priority in the first place right now. Being with Evan taught him how to be affectionate, how to be gentle. That was something he was very thankful for. 

"What's goin' on in there, baby?" he cooed, tapping softly on Evan's temple with his thumb before running his hand through Evan's _criminally_ beautiful hair. 

There was a long silence. The kind that people lose more words than they really gain in. The kind that people drift apart in after the ice has broken. 

"If.." Evan choked out. "..y-you have to hurt me, please..just- just do it once." He pleaded, the tears welling back up in his eyes before he screwed them shut and buried his face in the pillow. The next words came in muffled sobs. "I know-.. I know I'm not as desirable as him. I- I know I'm just a lot of effort. But if you don't want this anymore..please just get it o-over with. I can take it. I just can't take the waiting for it anymore. I'm so s-sorry." 

Connor was a little taken aback. Was this about Jeremy? Had it been that obvious? Did Evan think that Connor wanted to br- _oh shit_ _._

To be honest, when he allowed himself to think about it, yes, Connor was attracted Jeremy. Did he feel awful about it? Absolutely. Did he cry himself to sleep some nights under the weight of the guilt? Absolutely. Did he try to avoid hanging out with Jere as much as possible because he knew he wasn't emotionally stable enough to _not_ latch onto anyone who showed him any amount of kindness? Absolutely. But did any of that still make it at all fair on Evan? Absolutely not.

 _Fuck_ , he was actually breaking Ev's heart. He was turning into Miguel. _Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuckohfuckohfuckohfuck._

"Ev? A-alright listen, I.."

Evan felt sick again. This was it. This was the end. 

"I'm not going to lie to you because you're worth more to me than this relationship, o-okay? Even if.. if you absolutely fuckin' hate me and never want to see my f-face again, okay? I'll understand, because I deserve it completely." 

"Connor, I'd n-"

"Just..just listen because I know you and I know you'd put yourself through hell and back for someone who wouldn't even give you some fuckin' bandaids when you got home." 

Evan couldn't breathe. _This is it, thisisitthisisitthisisit-_

"I'm gonna tell you the truth because I'm no one to take that dignity away from you, alright? Yes, I guess I had a little bit of a thing for Jeremy. I can tell now you've kinda figured that out. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I guess I was just scared because I didn't want you to think that I didn't love you or that I wanted to move on or that you had done something wrong or that you weren't as good as him or any of that, so I tried to let it die out on its own without causing a stir. That's why I stopped hanging out with him so much. I didn't wanna feed it or dwell on it and let it come between us. He called earlier and I finally broke down and told him that I just needed to spend more time with you, and he totally understood." Connor paused. 

A million different feelings were fighting inside of Evan's head to become words, but none of them could figure out how to find their way to his tongue. 

Connor let out a shaky sigh and continued. "You're the only person I have ever been able to imagine growing old with, hell, even living past twenty with. I've decided on you, okay? I couldn't love you an ounce less even if my life depended on it. You're the only person that has ever been truly there for me and who the hell am I to walk away from that? To break a heart that I never deserved to have? To do to you what Miguel did to me? I love you so much, Ev. You have no idea how fuckin' amazed I am everyday by you and your existence. I don't know where I'd be without you." His voice cracked towards the end. 

Every pause felt like an eternity to Evan, who was hanging onto every word from Connor's mouth because lord knows he had none of his own right then. 

"That being said, I'm not gonna ask you to stay in a relationship where you don't feel like you're being valued or like you can't trust me. People say that 'oh, anyone who truly loves you is gonna fight like hell to keep you no matter what' well fuck that, okay? I'm not gonna force you to stay somewhere where you aren't happy. That's the way I love you. You come first no matter how much it fuckin' hurts because I don't wanna put you through anything that's gonna hurt you. And I realize that no matter how insignificant those feelings I had for Jeremy are to me, I know that they're enough to hurt you. I want the best for you, whether that's me or not. I'd be an even more awful person than I already am to not give you the space to make those choices for yourself knowing what you know now. I'm so sorry. I love you so much, Ev. " 

Connor dabbed tears from his eyes with the sleeve of his t-shirt. This was his fault, what right did he have to cry? He'd fucked up the only good thing in his life like his dad always said he would. 

"C-Connor.." Evan started, "I don't, I don't wanna leave. I thought you were tired of me and just didn't want to deal with breaking up with me until you had things set up with Jeremy and I didn't know how to handle it do I just.. _didn't._ I know you just wanted to protect me, I appreciate that, but from now on, can we just p-please be more honest with each other? I mean I'm not-..I'm not oblivious. I just tried to pretend I didn't notice, and that's on me. And.. as much as I hated the not-knowing, I was just so scared because I didn't know what I'd do without you and I figured it'd be over soon anyway so I just tried to prepare myself and wait for the moment- the moment y-you'd l-leave me-"

Evan was cut off by an involuntary heaving deep in his chest, down from the place that told him he was nothing, that he didn't deserve Connor and that he was utterly unlovable. He desperately wished he could just unzip the universe and walk out for a little while. Just hide from Connor. Just go somewhere where he could gather himself together in private, and come back to act like an adult and not make Connor sit through another one of his breakdowns over something that could've been resolved so easily and-

"Can I touch you?" Connor whispered towards Evan's curled up, trembling form. 

"P-please" Evan choked out. 

So Connor scooted over and gathered Evan up against his chest like a cast, holding him until the brokenness between them could be healed. 

**Author's Note:**

> half of me is really really tempted to scrap the fluff and go with the colder ending but maybe i ought to save that for another day lmao. 
> 
> i don't know how to feel about anything in this story and i wrote the damn thing. if you read to the end, i just want to thank you. i know im someone who doesn't really like to read angst, yet it seems like it's all that i can write lol. 
> 
> what do y'all think about Connor and Evan? don't be afraid to criticize this. any feedback and introspect on your interpretations of them or the situation is greatly appreciated. 
> 
> thank you so much :)


End file.
